Maybe Baby

Identity & Motherhood

2012-01-27T16:52:00.000-07:00

I was sick for a week last week, and I lost my voice. While laying on the couch doing the hard work of resting, I became slightly addicted to the UK show How to Look Good Naked.

Don't let the title alarm you too much. It's a makeover show focused on helping women have a positive body image. At the beginning of the episode, the host/stylist guru asks the woman to strip down to her underwear and face three full-length mirrors. He remains quiet while they talk about what they see. And it makes me cry almost every time, hearing women say things like,

"I look disgusting."

"I don't see anything I like."

"I'm too fat. Who would want to look at me?"

"I don't see what a woman should be—I'm supposed to look beautiful and feminine and pretty, but I'm not."

By the end, of course, each woman is transformed into a confident woman who loves her body. Every time. I cry then too.

Maybe half of the women were mothers, and out of those almost all of them started hating their body after having kids. One woman said, "I'm a mother, I have a point, but outside of that I don't have a point." I sat there in shock, thinking of how sad it is that she had such a limited personal identity. She took no pride in her appearance and her own person-hood because she was so focused on her kids. (I've heard they are excellent little distractions.)

It was a good reminder to my future self to embrace motherhood whilst still hanging on to my identity and femininity. So—why not?—I'm going to make a list of things I'll want to do after I become a mother. Like...

love my body, take care of it, and wear good underwear
insist on taking time out for my own beauty/body maintenance, whether that's slapping on some self-tanner, getting the occasional manicure, actually showering, shaving, wearing a little makeup, etc.
take part in some extracurricular activities other than church or mom groups

Oh, you mothers may be laughing at me. I get it. I'm not a mother yet, but I figure I may as well prepare, even if it means making naive promises to myself.

I also get that even though I'll have changed, I'll still be me after I have kids. And me = someone who appreciates all of the above things. But from what I can tell, sometimes moms forget that they are still that person. Some of the mothers on How to Look Good Naked seemed to think the changes to their body and their role in life meant that they only had one purpose. They weren't intimate with their partner anymore because of their low self-esteem. A few of them were particularly dissociated from who they were before becoming a mom and were mourning who they used to be.

Thank goodness for therapists, friends, and even sensitive stylists who can remind us of how beautiful we truly are on the inside and out. And if you are a woman, remember not only to take care of and love yourself, but to pass on your confidence to other women. Give lots of compliments. And hugs.

New Hobby & an Update

2009-09-15T06:35:00.003-06:00

Ok, I haven't written regularly for several reasons. For one, I have a new hobby: embroidery. Before you think that I'm a 70-year-old woman, I mean cool embroidery, a la Sublime Stitching. It's easy, relaxing, and gives me some bonus points for potential motherhood: I'm going to make the coolest baby bibs someday.

The latest baby decision update is that Ryan recently told me, "I am really starting to want kids lately". Ryan works with kids every day in therapy, and he also volunteers with teaching little kids at church. It's the time he spends with these kids that's starting to make it very easy to imagine having kids ourselves.

My feelings are similar, but I know it's still not the right time to get pregnant. So here's to waiting and stitching up funky designs on everything but baby blankets. Cheers, and more soon!

P.S. A quote from His Boys Can Swim

2009-08-22T14:21:00.005-06:00

I have a link to His Boys Can Swim in my blog list and I've referred to their journey before—see 10 Reasons I'm Glad We Don't Have Kids Right Now and also check out the comments from Tarzan... I love their blog because it's such an honest look at what it's like to discover you're pregnant and have a little newborn for the first time.

All this setup just to quote Jane from His Boys Can Swim:

I don’t feel like my “being a mom” expectations were delusional or far-fetched in any way. I feel like they were pretty realistic. I thought it would be tough. I knew I’d be sleep deprived. I knew that it would be a lot, but I just never knew it would be like this.

I thought this was an especially appropriate addendum to my last post called A Little More Conversation, A Little Less Action. Of course, I don't know from personal experience but I think this quote probably hits the mark for a lot of new moms. I don't doubt motherhood will feel really tough at times, and I'm prepared to take the good with the bad when we have kids someday.

A Little More Conversation, A Little Less Action

2009-08-22T07:31:00.010-06:00

They say that nothing can prepare you for having kids. Well, I am so over that phrase.

When I was engaged, people told me how hard marriage is and how different life would be. I heard lots of statements like, "your life will change more than you know," and "you can't imagine what marriage is going to be like until it happens." Those things are true, even though they are kind of annoying to hear. I mean, there's a first time for everything, and there's always something you can do to prepare.

So before Ryan and I walked down the aisle, we did as much preparation as we could. We read the best books, had deep discussions about our goals and learned how to maintain a loving, respectful relationship. We got premarital counseling from three pastors and good advice from honest friends who weren't afraid to tell us about the horrors of the first year of marriage. (Turns out, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.)

So how in the heck do you prepare for having kids? I can't claim to have the answer to that, but since Ryan and I are in the "not quite trying to have kids" phase, I thought I'd start with something as natural as sleeping in on a Saturday: conversation.

Ryan and I talk about kids almost as often as the media talks about Michael Jackson. We talk about how we will raise them, what they will look like, and what their names will be. We wonder about their personalities, whether we'll have boy or girl first, and hope that they have zero allergies and the same taste in music as we do. So far it sounds like we will have a Tball-playing blonde boy named Something Awesome who will be calm, brilliant and fun-loving. He musical tastes will include classical, indie-pop, country, and hip-hop, with a special affection for BNL and Vivaldi. And he won't know what a t.v. is until he's three.

Here is my bubble:
And here is you NOT bursting it:

This is not to say all of our conversations about kids are a joyful experience. Once, we were disagreeing about how to handle our dog Daisy* and it morphed into "what are we going to do when we disagree about disciplining the kids?" We had a very productive conversation about hypothetical situations. You parents are probably rolling your eyes at me, because you know that all the best intentions and theories about how you'll raise your kids tend to lose luster in the face of real-life situations. But hey, it's good to discuss, right?

I know that as soon as we are pregnant, we'll be reading like mad and getting good advice from our wise friends and family, as well as unsolicited advice from strangers accompanied with a belly-rub. But in the meantime, we're happy having conversations about the future and watching Supernanny.

*You will think my pants are on fire, but this happens very seldom.

Indecision, Part I: Reasons to Have Kids

2009-08-15T06:37:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder why we desire to become parents in the first place. Is it all cultural—am I thinking about having kids just because I'm married and a certain age, and lots of my friends have them? Well, like my personality profile once told me, I like to "consider deeply" before making decisions. And it turns out there are lots of answers to this question, so I'm going to explore it all with a post on why to have kids, and why not to have kids.

Disclaimer: I'm not taking sides and I don't have an agenda. I'm just sitting around thinking thoughts like usual.

Back to my original question...

Why do people have kids?

Here's what I've come up with.

A love of children. I know some people who are crazy about kids. I am not one of those people. I do love kids that I know well, but relating to kids is generally not second nature to me. You, on the other hand, may love to dote on other people's kids and are ready to have your own. I think as long as you aren't too overboard about kids (i.e. you can't relate to your own peers, so you surround yourself with kids instead) this is a nice reason that should be part of a bigger-picture reason to have kids...like "Love," below.

Carrying on the family name. On the surface, this reason seems a little thin. And perhaps vain. But I think there is something to passing on your heritage, values, and family line so there will be little future-generations of you around. It's a way to impact the world long past your own lifetime. I'm big into family genealogy, so I find it all pretty fascinating.

Love. By "love" I mean the ability to devote yourself to another and expand your focus past your own world. It's the foundational love you have for the person you're with that can lead to having a child as an extension of that. I'm talking about an abiding, sacrificial love for your partner and room for that love to spill over to your child.

A Firm Foundation. Your relationship is strong, you have enough free time, and you are ready for new challenges. You and your partner work well together and have similar expectations about raising kids. You know you'd be an awesome team and can create a wonderful world for a child to be raised in.

Family life. Having a child (or children) will complete your vision of a family. You are ready for your family to grow and your lifestyle to evolve with it. At least, you think you are.

Peers and expectations. When your peers start having kids, or when you feel like you're expected to have kids, it is bound to influence you. This is one of those factors that on its own is a bad reason to have kids. If that's the case, stay strong and make sure your decision is your own. That being said, sometimes when your friends start having kids or certain expectations arise, it's a good time to look at your life and desires, and you just may make your own decision to have kids out of it.

A surprise pregnancy. Ok, how about an obvious reason? People have kids all the time because, well, they got pregnant! Contraception isn't foolproof, and it comes with a lot of user error. It's like they told you in the awkward class in 6th grade—practice safe sex. Or maybe that was 9th grade? At any rate, I know plenty of people who had their first child unexpectedly. The good news is that it usually works out just fine.

Indecision, Part II: Reasons Not to Have Kids

2009-08-15T06:09:00.003-06:00

Disclaimer: I'm not taking sides and I don't have an agenda. I'm just sitting around thinking thoughts like usual.

Becoming a parent is such an important decision. My last post was about reasons to have kids, but now I'd like to turn the topic to the opposite: reasons not to have kids. Turns out there are plenty of those too. Here are a few.

Why choose not to have kids?

Focusing on your goals. You may have a career that demands so much of your time it wouldn't be fair to children, and you aren't ready or don't want to set that career aside. Likewise, you may have hobbies that you want to focus on or your education to complete.

Focusing on relationships. It only takes two to make a family. Your marriage might be what you'd like to put your energy into, and you don't want a child to change it. You may have other relationships you'd like to give your attention to as well, like family members and friendships.

Financial reasons. You may not be bringing in the income you'd like to support kids. If you barely have enough money to support yourself, it's probably not the best time to have kids. Or, you may have the financial means but are choosing to spend your earnings in other ways.

Personal reasons. This may sound vague, but I don't mean it to be. If you have some personal things to work on in your life, you need to focus on your own health, or you have a lifestyle that isn't good for raising kids, you may decide not to have kids.

A dislike of children. Some people don't like kids to the extent that they know they wouldn't be good at parenting. If you don't like kids and can't see yourself having your own, it's a valid reason to choose to be childfree.

Choosing not to add to the world's growing population. I seriously doubt anyone would say this as their main reason for not having kids, because that really doesn't make sense. (How about adoption?) For those who don't want kids for other reasons, it's a little added bonus.

Parenting and Career Choices

2009-08-04T21:51:00.003-06:00

Sometimes Ryan asks me what I want. I don't mean if I want chocolate (yes) or vanilla (also yes). I mean more in the realm of destiny and the deepest desires of my heart. Like how does having a family play out in my imagination? Would I want to work if we had kids?

My imagination is a tricky world to be in. Like most self-respecting women out there, what I want changes. Am I a corporate-ladder-climbing go-getter? No, and God help me if I ever am. I've worked in an office for 8+ years, and while my current job as a production artist for a small publishing company is pretty nice, I've come to the conclusion that office life is not for me. It's too stifling and too conducive to focusing on irrelevant matters. Just yesterday I asked my coworker if she'd seen my stapler! Plus, I'm not as good at it as I appear to be. Most people I work with think I'm super organized and all "perfect" and have no idea that the only reason I'm organized is part luck and part personality-compensation: without it, I'd be lost because I'm so mentally disorganized.

That hardly means I'll never work in an office again after having kids. It's just so hard to avoid. Even if I do become a SAHM*, I imagine that I'd re-enter the working world after the [mystery] children are off to first grade or so. It would be nice, though, to do something a little less conventional. Like work from home or become a Professional Free Spirit. I've heard that's a great gig.

My Dreams:

be awesome.
befriend someone who works at the zoo.
be some sort of creative genius, and get paid for it. possibly.
be a nurturing, loving mom (who can also set good boundaries and limits).

How That Plays Out:

Not sure. But it probably involves hanging out at the zoo a lot.

Could I be a SAHM? A part-time work/part-time SAHM? A working mom? Oh wow, the options are dizzying, just like the chocolate/vanilla swirl ice cream I'd like to be eating right now. Mmm. What was I saying?

*Stay at Home Mom

Focused on the Future a Little Too Much

2009-08-01T10:15:00.008-06:00

The future is a nasty chick who always wants my attention. Focus on me, she says. I'm better than you! Well, I've devised a way to put her in her place. Yeah, that's right. She won't even know what hit her. It's called...

The Present is So Now Right Now.

how to enjoy life when all you want to do is fast-forward 5 months

Take pictures. This is a way of saying to yourself, I'm going to remember these days when I was frustrated and impatient and think, "wow, those were some good times." I know I'll look back on this stage in my life with a ton of fondness. So yesterday during my morning and evening commute I took photos. Why? My commute is soooo amazing. It's a long drive but it's also a rare drive and I'm going to miss it someday. Photos below.

Focus on the positive of your current stage in life. It's likely there are lots of positive things about this stage in your life (see 10 Reasons I'm Glad We Don't Have Kids Right Now.) Stop and smell the roses, literally and figuratively. Or how about making a list of the top 10 things you love about these moments?

My list:
- game night with friends
- Saturday shopping trips
- watching my husband become an amazing therapist
- teaching Daisy new tricks
- my pretty nice job
- summer fairs & rodeos
I never was good at counting.

Busy thyself. Putting your energy into something positive or creative is always a good way to spend time, but I think it especially helps when you're in a state of transition. You could:
- Write a blog (preferably not about the future and things you can't do yet. Oh, crap.)
- Volunteer
- Take weekend trips. Find a fun activity, or wander around aimlessly until you discover a park or restaurant that you like.
- Find a hobby. Me, I like to make chapstick. I did a lot of research and created my own recipe, bought and ordered ingredients and empty tubes, even designed a label. All of that took lots of time. Now it only takes me about 15 minutes to create a new tube of it. That's not distracting enough. My advice: find a hobby that will fill your time a little more consistently. I've heard scrapbooking is pretty addictive.

Go on long walks. I love that Daisy gives us an excuse to take 2 walks a day. This means Ryan and I usually spend about half-an-hour a day talking about how we're doing, observing the delights of nature, and making fun of the neighbors. (Like our new-age neighbor lady who doesn't jog. She skips.)

Get into a routine. I think this helps time go by faster for me. That being said, it's probably only a good idea if you have a nice routine. You'll have plenty of time to rush around in a panic once you're a soccer mom.

Keep a private journal. This is definitely a good way to put your life in perspective. It will also help you de-stress after a long day. Plus, you can keep track of who has a crush on who.

Pray about the present. If you're a praying person, and you're like me, you find it really easy to pray about the unknown and for God to allow everything to fall into place. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that sometimes I have to remind myself to include what's happening right now with my friends, family, and church.

My Awesome Commuting Pics

Note: pictures taken without looking, so as not to cause traffic hazard.

Fun Journals

The journals section on Etsy ~ "unique, handmade journals from our artisan community"

Paper Posey ~ "Journals, organizers and whatnot"

FredFlare.com journals ~ "stay cute"

Barnes & Noble ~ basic journals • handmade journals • specialty journals • inspirational journals

10 Reasons I'm Glad We Don't Have Kids Right Now

2009-07-26T15:00:00.010-06:00

Baby fever, I have heard, is what happens when age, hormones, and career disappointment combine to create an undeniable urge to have kids. Or maybe none of those things are a factor. It sounded good while I was writing it.

Whatever its origins, I don't consider myself to have baby fever by any means. I'm on a

much less determined path. I like to think deliberately and slowly about nearly all of my decisions. (This is why I have trouble picking a restaurant/movie/church/flavor of gum.) Still, on some days I have a bout of temporary baby fever, and creating a blog on the topic of the decision to have kids is a step in that direction.

So here's a reality check. If you're in a situation like mine, I'm sure you understand the need to remind yourself of reasons not to have kids right now. Here are my top ten, beginning with the less pertinent stuff.

No mom jeans. Ok, I've heard that wearing mom jeans is an optional part of motherhood, but still. Since I'm not a mom I know I don't even qualify for jeans that look like fly-fishing waders and have the added bonus of sitting just a little too short at the ankle.
Kids entertainment ≠ my entertainment. It's nice to know that I don't have to spend my Saturday watching the Wiggles or plunking down a stack of cash to see a 3-D Jonas brothers movie. I know some of the family entertainment available these days is pretty good, but I'm proud of the fact that I don't know the words to the Teletubbies theme song—wait—is there even a theme song? I have no idea and that's how I'd like to keep it.
Whine-free living. We don't have to listen to the protests of tired, fussy kids when we take a 10 hour road trip or stay out too long in the heat without visits to the bathroom or the sno-cone guy. Of course, this allows us to whine a little more freely without confusing said kids. Which reminds me...
No innocent young ones looking at us to be a role model. Sure, we're pretty good role models as it is, but if we occasionally have a little spat, say some choice words in bad traffic, or leave the dishes dirty for a week, we won't be disappointing anybody but ourselves.
We can focus on each other. We have very few distractions when we're together. Our conversation doesn't revolve around what little Billy said today or whether we're low on diapers. We can gaze longingly into each others' eyes for hours on end. In theory.
We can move without disrupting a kid's life. Ryan and I have lived in 3 different states since we've been married, something that would have been a lot harder if we had kids. We have at least one more move in our future, so it's nice to know we won't be uprooting any little ones...unless you count Daisy, who seems to adapt to change pretty easily, especially if a dog park is involved.
I can enjoy my own sleep schedule. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night since 1987. Not only do I sleep through the night like the grown up that I am, I don't use an alarm clock. I wake up every day around 6:15 naturally, without experiencing a disrupted REM cycle and certainly without hearing the cries of a child who needs me right now. I plan on enjoying every last second of this while it lasts.
Freeeeedom. We can spend our free time doing whatever we want. We can change our plans at the last minute. If we want to go on a date, we go, no sitter required. Both of us have hobbies that we couldn't do as easily with babies/young kids. That being said, I would love to sacrifice my "freedom" for a kid someday. Lately I feel like I'm filling my time with mundane stuff (blogging?) and every time Ryan and I go on an outing over the weekend, we feel like we'd love to be sharing it with kids. But wait. That should go on the list for reasons to have kids. My bad.
My job is our only income. Ryan was unable to keep his part-time job when his internship started. This means he does awesome work that he isn't getting paid for. I'm making enough to support us, but things would be drastically different if we added a baby to the family. Not to mention losing money to maternity leave and the fact that I think I'd like to stay home with a baby.
No health insurance. I know, this is awful. I have a great job, but the insurance policies are ridiculously expensive, so we've been without it for more than 7 months. We keep talking about getting our own affordable plan, maybe using this website for quotes. If you're wondering about the cost to have kids without insurance, check out this post from a couple who have done it and paid upwards of $10,000. They are self-employed and got pregnant unexpectedly.

Well, that wraps up Gradually More and More Depressing Lists with Laura. Tune in next time for Why I'm Glad We Can't Take an Exotic Vacation, followed by All the Places I Don't Have Joint Pain Yet. And try not to hold your breath.

The Dog: Unfortunately, Not Human

2009-07-21T21:00:00.001-06:00

I. Love. Dogs. Between that and my husband's experience in raising Seeing Eye dogs, we knew we were destined to get one as soon as we had a place that allowed pets. That's exactly what we did, and much to my dismay we quickly became Doggie Parents. You know, people who think of their pets as kids and refer to themselves as mommy and daddy. Thankfully, Ryan and I stop short of buying Daisy little embroidered sweaters and getting her picture taken with Santa each Christmas. Maybe next year.

Us good midwestern girls are a little too down-to-earth for those kinds of antics. Where I come from, dogs are not coddled. Oh, they are appreciated and loved, but decidedly NOT carried around like they are attached at the purse and talked to in a voice so high-pitched we wish only dogs could hear it.

Even though my homegrown background forbids me from carrying on like Sharon Osbourne, I was seriously over-coddling Daisy the other night. It happened several hours after we'd been walking her. On this particular morning, two large dogs came out of nowhere, on a dead sprint right up to Daisy. They were snarling, nasty, and aggressive, and one of them quickly got her on the ground with its mouth near her throat. Ryan came to the rescue and yelled so loudly at them that they began to shrink back, and we drove them off. Daisy seemed fine when I checked her. (And, mind you, Daisy is a friendly, sweet dog who loves to play with other dogs if their names aren't Killer and Hellion.)

Later on that night, I was petting Daisy when I saw a scratch under her chin that we'd missed when we were looking her over. All of my motherly instincts kicked in and I babied her like, well, she was an actual baby.

All of this made me wonder how much time I'd have to cuddle with her after we have kids. Do new moms tend to leave their dog behind in a trail of dirty diapers and burp cloths? Do the demands of the baby and all the changes leave mom unable to spare a moment with her puppy? Does the stark reality hit that the dog isn't human after all?

Hopeful Exhibit A:

Why, it's Alyson Hannigan holding her DOG only 3 months after having her baby. Where's the baby, you ask? Her hubby is at her side, pushing her baby girl in a stroller. Alyson looks happy and completely at ease, and both her baby and her dog are being given attention. Hm.

When I think about having kids I tend to feel sorry for Daisy, because I know she will have to sacrifice our attention. Her serene world at which she is the center will never be the same, and she doesn't have a choice.

I guess it's about striking a balance, just like lots of things in life. On the spectrum of doggie parenting, I hope to be somewhere between "what dog?" and "what baby?" Just like Alyson.

Puppy & Baby Reading

Dogs & Kids Planning & Bringing a Baby Home
Preparing Your Dog For a Baby

All I'm Sayin' is, the Babies Grow Up

2009-07-15T06:40:00.000-06:00

Who doesn't love a baby? They are hard to resist. Yes, they are noisy and needy and usually covered in something you'll have to wash off, but they are wonderful and adorable and full of potential. It's easy to imagine getting through the worst of the baby stage (sleepless nights, possible colic, teething) because of those trademark chubby cheeks, delightful smiles, and cooing sounds.

In fact, I bet lots of misguided people have babies and FORGET that in 13 years, they will have a teenager. Reality check: It's probably not going to be pretty. I am trying to keep this in mind.

In Hollywood, it's fashionable to be pregnant. It's also fashionable to tote a baby around. You know, like a chihuahua or a cup of Starbucks. Celebs make it look easy, even trendy to have kids. Do we ever see them toting around their teenager? Ok, sometimes. What was my point again?

Oh yeah—the shocking truth is that they don't stay babies! If I'm considering having a baby, I have to also consider having a little kid, tween, teenager, and adult. I know I'll grow as they grow and I'll adapt to each stage in my child's life. But still, beyond imagining cuddling a baby with Ryan in a beautifully designed nursery, it gets a little hazy.

What's more is that the baby stage, one of my favorites, is so short. Before I know it, my baby will be walking (away from me), reading, running off to the school and the mall, making bad and good decisions, and doing it all without me & Ryan.

I hope I will be strong enough to constantly let go of my kids and let them be their own person...Sometimes it just seems like parenting is a process of perpetually releasing control and letting your kids stand on their own. I hope I'll be good at it when the time comes.

Pregnancy Timing, Turning 30, and ... Schizophrenia??

2009-07-12T06:40:00.004-06:00

Yesterday Ryan and I were talking about my 30th birthday, and how it used to be a big deal for me that I wanted to have kids or be pregnant by now. But that was when we were both working, owned a house, and thought we knew what the future held. (Insert uproarious laughter here.)

The unpredictability of life doesn't stop us from making plans and dreaming, though, so our conversation turned to when we'd like to start having kids. We said I could be pregnant in exactly a year on my 31st birthday. Of course, by then we may be selling hot dogs on the street or exploring new careers as NASA astronauts. It could go either way.

And speaking of unpredictability, the conversation turned to schizophrenia. Wait, maybe I should have given you a little more set-up for that. We want to avoid having a baby in the month of December because both Christmas and our wedding anniversary happen in that month. And that's what we were talking about when Ryan hit me with this—There's another month of the year he wants to avoid having a baby because he has read research that more schizophrenic people are born in that month than any other. This is where you laugh or roll your eyes or generally looked shocked (um, or was that me?), but there are a couple of reasons I'm now taking it seriously.

Ryan is a counselor in grad school who reads a lot of highly-esteemed research.
Ryan has an uncle with schizophrenia.

What made this theory sound more credible for me was that it has to do with flu season and the development of the baby's brain. (See research links below.) Ryan went in to detail about this, but he also mentioned it's not too big of a deal.

The skinny is that there is a time of year when babies are born who are more likely to develop schizophrenia later, but it's directly related to the mother contracting the flu during development. It shouldn't be a concern for most people and even if a pregnant woman does get the flu virus in the first trimester, chances are slim that it will affect the baby. To quote...

The good news is that most fetuses exposed to influenza virus while in the womb will not go on to develop schizophrenia.
—John Krystal, M.D.

What I'm trying to say is you can put the paper bag away and stop hyperventilating (or was that me again?). Basically, pregnant women should do their best to stay healthy, which is pretty obvious. There are more factors involved in whether a person will develop schizophrenia than this link to the flu virus. It sounds to me like the best plan is to get your flu shots every year, take vitamins, exercise, and stay away from the obvious stuff like alcohol, painkillers, dark alleys, etc.

I am no doctor, though, so read more by following the links below.

Research & Tips

Maternal Infections and Flu During Pregnancy...
Possible Link Between Pregnancy, The Flu And Schizophrenia
Pregnancy Tips that are likely to lower the chances of your child getting schizophrenia

The Accidental Pre-Pregnancy Dr. Visit

2009-07-09T19:15:00.002-06:00

A Normal Pre-Pregnancy (or Pre-Conception) Doctor Visit

I've read that having a pre-pregnancy check up is highly recommended before you try to conceive. It makes sense to do this when you get your female exam, and (bonus!) that helps you avoid paying for a special visit. The doctor will discuss your general health, reproductive history, immunizations, nutrition, exercise, vitamins and may recommend an obstetrician.

More on pre-pregnancy visits:

Pre-Pregnancy Overview
Preconception Health Care

My "Special" Pre-Pregnancy Dr. Visit

It went something like this...

Doctor: Are you and your husband planning on having kids?
Me: Probably, in the next few years.
Doctor: You should get pregnant as soon as possible.
Me: Um. What?
Doctor: It will reduce your chances of developing breast cancer, which runs in your family.
Me: Well, that's a great reason for throwing my plans out the window! I can see it now. 'Well, little Sue Ellen*, your daddy and I had you because we thought it would be best for me. Now go clean the kitchen, like I dunn told ya!**'

Really, my doctor gave me a pre-pregnancy visit—complete with details listed above—as her little present at the end of my pap/pelvic, which was the only reason I came in. I didn't ask for a pre-pregnancy discussion, but I got one anyway, much to my annoyance (and secret enjoyment). Her commitment to my child-bearing was impressive!

I find it a little amusing that while I don't get pressure from my parents or in-laws to have kids, my doctor is the one sounding desperate for grandkids. The truth is, I think most women know when it's right for them to have kids. My doctor should have deduced that if I'm not already trying to conceive, I have a good reason or two. I'm sure she meant well, but you know what they say the road to hell is paved with...

*I in no way intend to name my child Sue Ellen. Dramatic license taken.
**I am sometimes Southern in my imagination. It's ok, I used to live in North Carolina.

Alcohol: The consolation prize for negative pregnancy tests.

2009-07-04T07:45:00.007-06:00

I am waiting for my period. Let me just get it out there right now. This morning, when I realized Ryan had brought home enough alcohol for a 4th of July party with Lindsay Lohan, but it was just the two of us, I'd thought I better take a test so I don't feel guilty about downing the one beer I may potentially have. (As for the rest of the beer, we may have to send Lindsay an invite.)

Let's just be clear: I knew I wasn't pregnant. We are using contraception, for one thing. But also, I knew I didn't feel any different. Except for the usual pre-menstrual don't-touch-me-or-talk-to-me moodiness. Like I said, totally normal.

Still, to clear my conscience and partly for the fun of it, I wanted to take one. I like to have a few stocked in the bathroom for situations like these that seem to arise a couple times a year.

So off we went. While we usually try to take our cloth bags and go to Whole Foods like the hipsters that we are, this was not the right destination for our purposes. Even if they did have pregnancy tests there, I don't think I'd want to use one. What would it be like? Pee on a stick that is actually a stick and if you smell patchouli, you're pregnant? Plus, we needed some very tasteful luxury items like $2.00 turquoise eyeshadow and ice pops.

Soon, I found myself staring at a pregnancy test, half-wishing it would be positive. When you feel so close to being ready for a baby, but not quite, it seems like a surprise pregnancy would be the same as getting a parental stamp of approval direct from God himself.

Ryan peeked in and asked, "Got anything yet?" I said, "you mean, like a baby?"

Well, I don't have to tell you the result. Even though it's not the right time for us to get pregnant, there's always some disappointment at seeing a big negative staring you in the face. Then again, I got to have some guilt-free alcohol tonight. All is as it should be.

The Whole Kids Thing

2009-07-03T14:11:00.001-06:00

I originally wrote this in September of 2006. Since then, my husband has entered grad school, and we decided to delay adding to the family. For the whole story, read the sidebar at the top right of my blog.

For the first 4 1/2 years of our marriage, Ryan and I did not want kids. We did not want kids so terribly badly. In the grocery store or at Target, while Ryan and I perused aisles of neatly contemporary place settings, a child’s shrill cry would reach our ears, and we’d simultaneously count our many blessings that we were not in the same situation. Even when our friends Mark and Heather had kids, we held fast. Yes, we loved their kids. But being responsible for somebody's life while trying to earn money? Wiping up applesauce and watching Sesame Street? Not for us.

Nothing could put the fear of God in me like the sight of a flock of children running amok on a soccer field. Buying a bumper-stickered minivan, sipping soup-on-the-go and cheering on my child while chatting-it-up with Land's-End-model parents is not my idea of fun. It is my idea of hell. If my friends asked what my little boy/girl was up to lately, I'd have to make up some story about a little-league rock band. Torture would be involved before I'd reveal the way I spent my soccer-filled Tuesday evenings.

But. Something happened.

I turned 27. As we all know, 27 is gettin' close to 30. And somewhere, in the subconscious of my anti-child brain, I must have set an alarm for the age of 30. Thirty was my personal drop-dead date for pregnancy. It's the age at which it is still reasonable to think I could have "energy" for raising a kid in the years to come, and the age at which I imagine my body is reaching its peak for baby-carrying.

I blame this mentality on my mother. Though my wonderful mother in no way pressures me in any area of my life, I found that I compared my life to hers. She birthed her first child at the age of nineteen and was already mother to eight- and five-year-old daughters by the time she was my age. Nevermind that it was the seventies and my mom didn’t go to college and nearly every detail of every circumstance is completely different between her life then and my life now; time was running out! Motherhood, a wailing siren, had begun to woo me to its charms.

Because I knew lots of women who had troubled pregnancies, I didn't want to find myself a ripe old 40 and pregnant for the first time. No, 30 (maybe 33) was it. When my kid was 18 I'd be around 50 and retirement would be on the horizon. Lord knows I don't want my golden years spent diapering anyone other than myself.

So, my newly unsure-about-kids brain took over and started whispering to me. “You'll be thirty soon. Ryan will be IN his thirties soon. Yeah, you had a good run of kid-less years, but maybe it's time to give it a thought. And you'd look great in a mock-turtleneck!” Well, my brain was partly lying. I'd look horrible in a mock-turtleneck.

Still, Ryan and I had made one step towards child-bearing without even realizing it. We bought a house. In the past I'd worried that I'd become pregnant and we'd be stuck trying to make life work in an apartment with a newborn. I also knew it'd be a heck of a lot easier to save some money for a house without the kid-factor. And there it was, right across from the park where children play, boasting a half-acre yard and in a family neighborhood. Had we chosen a family-friendly house on purpose? Well, yeah. We were even a bit relieved to hear our house was in the right area for the best elementary school. Relieved!

It was summer, and because Ryan and I were skipping a vacation, I longed to hit the road. I had strong memories of the camping trips and adventurous vacations my family took together once or even twice a year. I found myself imagining Ryan and I packing up our suitcases and our (cough) little girls (cough) and driving relentlessly, the way my family would do it, to see the wonders of nature. I'd teach my kids about camping and creeking. We'd spot wild elk or even bears. We'd have family photo albums filled with snapshots of us all, standing at the base of a waterfall, a rainbow appearing above our heads.

And then, something strange happened. Ryan asked me if I'd thought about kids at all lately. And I said yes, a little. And he said he had, a little, too.

So now, it looks as though by the time I actually hit 30 we might have a one-year-old or even a two-year-old on our hands. Wow, is that scary. Sometimes I do feel as though it's way TOO scary and what if I'm a horrible mother and what if one of those tragic stories perpetually breaking on the news happens to one of our kids and what if my expectations are so crushed that it breaks my heart?

It is looking like we will probably find out.

The Whole Adoption Thing

2009-07-02T14:40:00.009-06:00

Originally Written in August, 2007

Perhaps it's been in the works since I was a teen. I started to ask mom and dad for more foster kids; I was becoming excited to see new kids come in. It's true that I saw how intense and difficult it could be for my parents when it came to fighting for the kids or raising them in general. And I experienced the turmoil the kids could dish out. But at the same time, I enjoyed it increasingly as I got older. I saw the way the kids changed when they experienced a loving family.

As an adult, this has translated to an interest in adoption. Adoption instead of foster parenting because of all the intense personal links with it, because I don't think I have the strength, not to mention how gut-wrenching it must feel as the foster parent to let go of kids who are returned to their families. It was hard enough as a sibling.

By the time two of my foster siblings were adopted, it was like putting on paper what we'd been for ages: a family. It was a relief. I'm sure the experience of adoption without fostering beforehand is entirely different. And I think for me, it will be different in a good way.

I became more aware of my desire to adopt at the same time that I became more aware of my desire to have kids. Having a biological child is something I want to do someday, God willing. Increasingly, I am also aware of a desire to adopt a child.

This became more apparent last Christmas. I was listening to a nice little Steven Curtis Chapman CD for the season, one I hadn't heard before. A song he wrote about adoption called "All I Really Want" came on. Here are some of the lyrics:

Well I don’t know if you remember me or not
I’m one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old green flannel shirt
You may not have seen me – I was standing off alone
I didn’t come and talk to you, ‘cause that’s never worked before...

Somehow I always seem to end up in a fight
But I’m really trying hard not to be bad
Maybe if I had a brother or a dad to wrestle with,
well, maybe they could teach me how to get along
And from everything I’ve heard
Sounds like the greatest gift on earth would be a mom

All I really want for Christmas
Is someone to tuck me in
A shoulder to cry on if I lose
Shoulders to ride on if I win
There’s so much I could ask for
But there’s just one thing I need
All I really want for Christmas...is a family
Just a family

That’s all I really need

You know how sometimes you come into contact with art that you know is created to tug on your heartstrings? Despite my awareness of the song's "designs" to reach me, I found myself sobbing, completely undone. My heartstrings were not just plucked, they had been pounded into a mushy substance that no longer even resembled strings. And I found myself mourning for all of the needy kids in the world. There are so many of them, so many who need a family.

Ryan and I will probably consider adoption more in a few years, after he's done with grad school. But we've talked and researched a little bit. We learned that adopted kids statistically get more positive attention from their parents, better grades, and they tend to have parents who stay together. We learned that the biological mothers have a better future than their peers who are in similarly difficult situations and keep the baby (I don't mean to criticize that decision, either) because they have opportunities for college or work that they would have missed.

If we do adopt, we don't know for sure if we're interested in domestic or international adoption. But there's just something inside me that wants to help orphaned children or any child who needs a family. And not just to be charitable, but to give away the love I'd have for my children, no matter how they came into the world. It seems to me that when we are ready for a family, we will be just as ready to conceive ourselves as we will be to adopt.

Right now the idea of having a family is still a bit daunting. Ryan and I were talking last night about how God will prepare us, and the things we want to work on in ourselves during this time we have before we have kids. I know we'll never be perfect, we might never even feel mature enough, but that's one of those things I hear most people feel. I know Ryan is going to make an amazing dad. God will guide us when we're ready, and in the meantime I bet he will keep creating ways to play my heart like a banjo.

Some links:
American Adoptions
Bethany Christian Services
Shaohannah's Hope
Shaohannah's Hope Myspace - Listen to "All I Really Want" here!

F.A.Q.

2009-07-01T10:58:00.011-06:00

Is this blog about trying to conceive?

Nope. Maybe Baby is about all of the considerations and emotions that one experiences when it's time to think about having kids. I may occasionally have a post related to conception, but that's not the main focus here.

What's your expertise?

I'm a regular person who writes about my own experiences. I also research topics related to having kids, parenting, pregnancy, relationships, and more. I do this because it's what I'm interested in and I want to make more information like this available.

A little disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, therapist, pastor, etc... I'm not providing medical advice, just tips and ideas from one person to another for general information/educational purposes only.

What will happen to this blog once you have conceived a baby or are adopting?

The topic of the blog will not change. I will continue to update while addressing readers who are considering kids—however, I imagine that those posts will not be as frequent. Maybe Baby will live on in its archives and, hopefully I'll be creating new content with guest posts and interviews as well.

How do I contact you?

Email me at contactmaybebaby@gmail.com. It's contact maybe baby, but all one word and at gmail.