Identity & Motherhood

I was sick for a week last week, and I lost my voice. While laying on the couch doing the hard work of resting, I became slightly addicted to the UK show How to Look Good Naked.

Don't let the title alarm you too much. It's a makeover show focused on helping women have a positive body image. At the beginning of the episode, the host/stylist guru asks the woman to strip down to her underwear and face three full-length mirrors. He remains quiet while they talk about what they see. And it makes me cry almost every time, hearing women say things like,

"I look disgusting." 

"I don't see anything I like." 

"I'm too fat. Who would want to look at me?" 

"I don't see what a woman should be—I'm supposed to look beautiful and feminine and pretty, but I'm not." 

By the end, of course, each woman is transformed into a confident woman who loves her body. Every time. I cry then too.

Maybe half of the women were mothers, and out of those almost all of them started hating their body after having kids. One woman said, "I'm a mother, I have a point, but outside of that I don't have a point." I sat there in shock, thinking of how sad it is that she had such a limited personal identity. She took no pride in her appearance and her own person-hood because she was so focused on her kids. (I've heard they are excellent little distractions.)

It was a good reminder to my future self to embrace motherhood whilst still hanging on to my identity and femininity. So—why not?—I'm going to make a list of things I'll want to do after I become a mother. Like...

• love my body, take care of it, and wear good underwear 
• insist on taking time out for my own beauty/body maintenance, whether that's slapping on some self-tanner, getting the occasional manicure, actually showering, shaving, wearing a little makeup, etc.
• take part in some extracurricular activities other than church or mom groups 

Oh, you mothers may be laughing at me. I get it. I'm not a mother yet, but I figure I may as well prepare, even if it means making naive promises to myself.

I also get that even though I'll have changed, I'll still be me after I have kids. And me = someone who appreciates all of the above things. But from what I can tell, sometimes moms forget that they are still that person. Some of the mothers on How to Look Good Naked seemed to think the changes to their body and their role in life meant that they only had one purpose. They weren't intimate with their partner anymore because of their low self-esteem. A few of them were particularly dissociated from who they were before becoming a mom and were mourning who they used to be.

Thank goodness for therapists, friends, and even sensitive stylists who can remind us of how beautiful we truly are on the inside and out. And if you are a woman, remember not only to take care of and love yourself, but to pass on your confidence to other women. Give lots of compliments. And hugs.